Post by Dream-=Of-God=- on Mar 27, 2006 23:59:51 GMT -5
In light of reading CJ's touching, emotional, and vivid testimony and the fact that today I was accepted back into the Of-God clan, I decided to post my personal testimony. Now, some of you won't like some of this at all. I guarantee it. I have gone through some tragic things. Maybe they need to be talked about, maybe they don't. But without losing, one cannot truly appreciate and understand victory. So in order to get to the point of me getting on the right track, I must explain why I was off the track in the first place.
I grew up in a Catholic family. My mom was Lutheran before she was married, but converted to Catholicism on the behalf of my father who's family has been Catholic for many generations. So I went to mass every Sunday for a long time in my early childhood. My father and mother demanded it of us. I didn't like church all that much. I didn't get it. I was the kind of kid that didn't like something he couldn't understand. Believe me, I tried. I even went to Sunday school, but nothing went through to me. I couldn't grasp the concept that I needed to grasp; Jesus and God love me and will always love me, and that's all that matters. Anyway, my family moved from Nashotah, Wisconsin to Albany, Georgia in 1998. I was twelve years old. A year goes by in Georgia and it's the summer of 1999, between my 7th and 8th grade years. I was in a Catholic private school, so I was attending mass twice a week. My mom figures out that my dad has been cheating on her, a couple of times, and they separate. I visited my dad on weekends and such, but I couldn't bear it. It all came back to me; the abuse toward the family, the alcoholism, and now the cheating. I thought my parents were perfect...I was wrong. I just chose not to see the badness that was going on between them. I ignored the undeserved slaps, punches, and kicks that I got as a kid. I didn't know what to think of it; I thought I was doing something wrong, so I deserved to be punished. But do you really need to beat your kid because he's not perfect? I didn't think so.
My dad was good with words, I tell ya. He was very manipulative and always told me that "I was his only son" and promised me so many things, but nothing ever came out of it. He lied to me so much and I hated it. I began to hate him and resent him. I felt torn between my parents. Why weren't my sisters getting any of his "treatment"? He was so drunk all of the time, even when I was supposed to spend time with him. What did I do to deserve this? Because I'm a boy? I don't know why he had to beat me down, break my nose, and throw me through a wall. I didn't get it. I could barely take my parent's separation. Slowly, but surely, all of this anger and frustration I had been building up went inward and I turned on myself. I began to hate and torture myself. I tried to kill myself that Thanksgiving in 99. I took a handful of my sister's ADHD medication and I don't remember much. I remember drinking the charcoal and getting my stomach pumped. That wasn't fun. I spent a year going to a therapist after that and I really lost my touch with God...something I barely had in the first place. I stopped going to Church. My parents were separated and my dad moved to Ft. Worth, TX in 2000. My mom was working full-time and I was getting into high school. I had real problems to deal with, you know? I had my depression, my school, sports, and helping my mom out whenever I could. I put God on the shelf.
I guess I could say I had a lot on my plate, but that didn't give me the right to just put Him aside. But I have to say...those last two years in Georgia (2000-2002) were some of the happiest years in my life. My dad was three states away. I didn't have to deal with him anymore. I was into sports, had plenty of friends, and I was happy. Sure, we were living on a paycheck-to-paycheck + child support basis, but I was happy! I don't know if my mom truly was. She was getting help, too. My younger sister was doing fine, she always has. I envy her for that, sometimes. It's almost as if nothing affects her. My older sisters were doing okay, but they were out on their own. Then in 2002, my parents got back together based on financial needs and husband-wife needs. My mom was a much stronger person, though, and she promised us she wouldn't let him push her around. She would get her way and run things her way, or there would be no more marriage. He agreed to it. My dad was a little better, but he was still drinking all the time. We moved back up here to Wisconsin in July 2002 (when I started playing AA) because he was transferred again and we got a house in Wauwatosa, near his work. I hadn't been to church in a long time. We didn't start going back to church, but things were a little bit better in the house. I hated being around him, though. I hated the way he made me feel. I hated the way he acted. I hated the way he breathed. In August 2003 I got my first real job at Little Caesar's. I was a Crew Member. I liked it. It was good. I worked part-time because I was only a junior in high school. One night, I think this is sometime in November of 2003, I come home from a friend's house and I find them arguing in the den. I walk in and I can smell the alcohol already. I begin to panic. I tell my dad to calm down and he just pushes me. Mind you, I'm 17 at the time and not a kid anymore. My mom curses at him for pushing me and then he hits my mom. Well, that didn't go over with me. So, I hit him square in the face and knocked him out. I had to call the ambulance. I was taken by the police in the back of a squad car to the station to be questioned, but I wasn't charged because my mom told them it was self-defense. I didn't speak to my dad for a couple months after that. February 2004 rolls around and I was feeling so down, so depressed. I was scared of myself and completely miserable for what I had done. I let my anger get the best of me and almost killed my dad. He was unconscious for awhile and the doctors said that the trauma caused some blood-clotting in his heart, not to mention the loads of alcohol in him. I felt so bad. Once again, the blame turned inward and I began to hate myself and torture myself with that again. All of that theraputic work undone because my dad can't control his drinking and I couldn't control my anger towards him.
I tried to kill myself, again, in February of 04. This time with a bottle of ibruprofen -- the whole thing. It was 200 tablets I think. Once again it was charcoal, a night of puking, getting my stomach pumped, and a very bad stay in the hospital. This lead to intense therapy with a psychiatrist and anti-depressant medication.
He helped me find motivation to keep on living. He helped me believe there were things living for and I tried my best to keep it that way. Once again, throughout all of this time, I didn't even bother to think about including God in my life again. He must've been pretty mad at me, haha. The next month, March, a week after my birthday, I was promoted to Assistant Manager at Little Caesar's. Despite my messed up personal life and my messed up mind, I was really good at what I did. Good enough to be a manager, at just 18 years old. I was working longer hours, 25-30 hours a week while going to high school. I finally finished high school in July 2004 and was done with that. A load had been lifted and I was go glad to be out of it. I didn't have any college ambitions because I had a full-time job as an Assistant Manager and was making pretty good money, especially since I was still at home and not having to pay rent and such. I had some great times working at Little Caesar's. I was promoted to General Manager, given my own store to run, and was doing well in August 2004. I ran my own store until the end of the year. The only reason I went back to Assistant Manager was because I got mono toward the end of the year, had two weeks off to recover, and decided to come back as an Assistant. I was sick of working 80 hour weeks. I didn't need it...and I had plans to go to college soon, so I didn't want to be tied up in an 80 hour a week job. I was fired in February 2005 for nonsense reasons. I was accused of saying a racist term, that I never said, but it was a black female store manager's word (and lawsuit if she didn't get her way) against mine. I'm not playing the race card, but it was a business decision; either get rid of someone you're sure will go quietly, or get sued. So they got rid of me. April 2005 rolls around and I find the Of-God Clan in AA.
Man, I was really happy with this clan and I played a lot because I didn't have a job, wasn't in school, and was pretty much just lounging around. I was trying to find a job, but no dice. However, the Of-God clan really made the hard times easier than they could've been. I was really depressed from the time I was fired until I got accepted into UWM and went to college in September 2005. The Of-God clan kept me going and I was so thankful for you guys. I can't thank you enough for helping me get through those rough times. That summer, I asked Jesus to save me. I asked Him to forgive me for shutting him out for all these years and for the first time in my life, I was truly listening. I was understanding.
I only did this because I had found this clan. If I didn't come across Of-God, I'd still be a lost sheep. Now, I have a better understanding of my Savior and my salvation. I am by no means a much, MUCH better person than I was, but I believe I am heading in the right direction. I believe that God has a plan for me and I will live and breathe His plan when the time comes. I believe there's a place for me in Heaven, whenever that time comes. I believe.
Thanks for reading. I hope it wasn't too boring.
- Joe
I grew up in a Catholic family. My mom was Lutheran before she was married, but converted to Catholicism on the behalf of my father who's family has been Catholic for many generations. So I went to mass every Sunday for a long time in my early childhood. My father and mother demanded it of us. I didn't like church all that much. I didn't get it. I was the kind of kid that didn't like something he couldn't understand. Believe me, I tried. I even went to Sunday school, but nothing went through to me. I couldn't grasp the concept that I needed to grasp; Jesus and God love me and will always love me, and that's all that matters. Anyway, my family moved from Nashotah, Wisconsin to Albany, Georgia in 1998. I was twelve years old. A year goes by in Georgia and it's the summer of 1999, between my 7th and 8th grade years. I was in a Catholic private school, so I was attending mass twice a week. My mom figures out that my dad has been cheating on her, a couple of times, and they separate. I visited my dad on weekends and such, but I couldn't bear it. It all came back to me; the abuse toward the family, the alcoholism, and now the cheating. I thought my parents were perfect...I was wrong. I just chose not to see the badness that was going on between them. I ignored the undeserved slaps, punches, and kicks that I got as a kid. I didn't know what to think of it; I thought I was doing something wrong, so I deserved to be punished. But do you really need to beat your kid because he's not perfect? I didn't think so.
My dad was good with words, I tell ya. He was very manipulative and always told me that "I was his only son" and promised me so many things, but nothing ever came out of it. He lied to me so much and I hated it. I began to hate him and resent him. I felt torn between my parents. Why weren't my sisters getting any of his "treatment"? He was so drunk all of the time, even when I was supposed to spend time with him. What did I do to deserve this? Because I'm a boy? I don't know why he had to beat me down, break my nose, and throw me through a wall. I didn't get it. I could barely take my parent's separation. Slowly, but surely, all of this anger and frustration I had been building up went inward and I turned on myself. I began to hate and torture myself. I tried to kill myself that Thanksgiving in 99. I took a handful of my sister's ADHD medication and I don't remember much. I remember drinking the charcoal and getting my stomach pumped. That wasn't fun. I spent a year going to a therapist after that and I really lost my touch with God...something I barely had in the first place. I stopped going to Church. My parents were separated and my dad moved to Ft. Worth, TX in 2000. My mom was working full-time and I was getting into high school. I had real problems to deal with, you know? I had my depression, my school, sports, and helping my mom out whenever I could. I put God on the shelf.
I guess I could say I had a lot on my plate, but that didn't give me the right to just put Him aside. But I have to say...those last two years in Georgia (2000-2002) were some of the happiest years in my life. My dad was three states away. I didn't have to deal with him anymore. I was into sports, had plenty of friends, and I was happy. Sure, we were living on a paycheck-to-paycheck + child support basis, but I was happy! I don't know if my mom truly was. She was getting help, too. My younger sister was doing fine, she always has. I envy her for that, sometimes. It's almost as if nothing affects her. My older sisters were doing okay, but they were out on their own. Then in 2002, my parents got back together based on financial needs and husband-wife needs. My mom was a much stronger person, though, and she promised us she wouldn't let him push her around. She would get her way and run things her way, or there would be no more marriage. He agreed to it. My dad was a little better, but he was still drinking all the time. We moved back up here to Wisconsin in July 2002 (when I started playing AA) because he was transferred again and we got a house in Wauwatosa, near his work. I hadn't been to church in a long time. We didn't start going back to church, but things were a little bit better in the house. I hated being around him, though. I hated the way he made me feel. I hated the way he acted. I hated the way he breathed. In August 2003 I got my first real job at Little Caesar's. I was a Crew Member. I liked it. It was good. I worked part-time because I was only a junior in high school. One night, I think this is sometime in November of 2003, I come home from a friend's house and I find them arguing in the den. I walk in and I can smell the alcohol already. I begin to panic. I tell my dad to calm down and he just pushes me. Mind you, I'm 17 at the time and not a kid anymore. My mom curses at him for pushing me and then he hits my mom. Well, that didn't go over with me. So, I hit him square in the face and knocked him out. I had to call the ambulance. I was taken by the police in the back of a squad car to the station to be questioned, but I wasn't charged because my mom told them it was self-defense. I didn't speak to my dad for a couple months after that. February 2004 rolls around and I was feeling so down, so depressed. I was scared of myself and completely miserable for what I had done. I let my anger get the best of me and almost killed my dad. He was unconscious for awhile and the doctors said that the trauma caused some blood-clotting in his heart, not to mention the loads of alcohol in him. I felt so bad. Once again, the blame turned inward and I began to hate myself and torture myself with that again. All of that theraputic work undone because my dad can't control his drinking and I couldn't control my anger towards him.
I tried to kill myself, again, in February of 04. This time with a bottle of ibruprofen -- the whole thing. It was 200 tablets I think. Once again it was charcoal, a night of puking, getting my stomach pumped, and a very bad stay in the hospital. This lead to intense therapy with a psychiatrist and anti-depressant medication.
He helped me find motivation to keep on living. He helped me believe there were things living for and I tried my best to keep it that way. Once again, throughout all of this time, I didn't even bother to think about including God in my life again. He must've been pretty mad at me, haha. The next month, March, a week after my birthday, I was promoted to Assistant Manager at Little Caesar's. Despite my messed up personal life and my messed up mind, I was really good at what I did. Good enough to be a manager, at just 18 years old. I was working longer hours, 25-30 hours a week while going to high school. I finally finished high school in July 2004 and was done with that. A load had been lifted and I was go glad to be out of it. I didn't have any college ambitions because I had a full-time job as an Assistant Manager and was making pretty good money, especially since I was still at home and not having to pay rent and such. I had some great times working at Little Caesar's. I was promoted to General Manager, given my own store to run, and was doing well in August 2004. I ran my own store until the end of the year. The only reason I went back to Assistant Manager was because I got mono toward the end of the year, had two weeks off to recover, and decided to come back as an Assistant. I was sick of working 80 hour weeks. I didn't need it...and I had plans to go to college soon, so I didn't want to be tied up in an 80 hour a week job. I was fired in February 2005 for nonsense reasons. I was accused of saying a racist term, that I never said, but it was a black female store manager's word (and lawsuit if she didn't get her way) against mine. I'm not playing the race card, but it was a business decision; either get rid of someone you're sure will go quietly, or get sued. So they got rid of me. April 2005 rolls around and I find the Of-God Clan in AA.
Man, I was really happy with this clan and I played a lot because I didn't have a job, wasn't in school, and was pretty much just lounging around. I was trying to find a job, but no dice. However, the Of-God clan really made the hard times easier than they could've been. I was really depressed from the time I was fired until I got accepted into UWM and went to college in September 2005. The Of-God clan kept me going and I was so thankful for you guys. I can't thank you enough for helping me get through those rough times. That summer, I asked Jesus to save me. I asked Him to forgive me for shutting him out for all these years and for the first time in my life, I was truly listening. I was understanding.
I only did this because I had found this clan. If I didn't come across Of-God, I'd still be a lost sheep. Now, I have a better understanding of my Savior and my salvation. I am by no means a much, MUCH better person than I was, but I believe I am heading in the right direction. I believe that God has a plan for me and I will live and breathe His plan when the time comes. I believe there's a place for me in Heaven, whenever that time comes. I believe.
Thanks for reading. I hope it wasn't too boring.
- Joe
